i'm watching yes man.

this movie is alright, i guess. the best part is when he sings jumper to the guy who's about to jump off the building. i'm not sure why, but i just like that part a lot. it's entertaining. but the rest of the movie isn't too bad. whatevs. eh. i'm changing it. spanish movie. mehr. some weird thing. next. new york life. commercial. new york life. the company, you keep. MEHR. oh jesus the old man who looks like santa with the poor kids. noooo please don't make me call and donate 10 cents a day. gosh it's such a guilt trip in a bottle. changing. sorry santa and 7 year old isaac! recycling informercial? next. oh that stupid diet dr. pepper commercial with the easter bunny and santa and shit. the animation in that commercial makes me uncomfortable. okay there's officially nothing on. let's try tbs. most of the time there's something semi-entertaining to pretty gosh darn entertaining on there. oh good. it's fucking george lopez. i'm sorry to anyone who thinks this man's talk show is actually good, but in my opinion it sucks monkey ass. he's not even funny. i guess his tan skin and his slight to mild spanish accent is what attracts people to him. but seriously, no dude. and i don't understand where he came from. to quote jersey shore, he just came right "OUTTA THE WOOD WORK" and all of a sudden he's everywhere! the george lopez show is constantly on (meaning his sitcom) then he has george lopez, the talk show that's on at like 2 am. actually, both are on at like 2 am. every night. on either tbs or nickelodeon. i think that says something about the quality of the shows. oh wait i'm sorry. the late night talk show is called "lopez tonight." CLEVER. please read the following in a mexican accent: "see, we couldn't name my talk-a-show "the george lopez show" because it would be too much-a-like my SITCOM-a-show! so we named it "LOPEZ TONIGHT" because i'm on at night! and my name is george LOPEZ! HA! HA! HA!" please, dude, stop. talking. wait, was he the one that was on that chips show in like the 70's? or was that someone else? why do i care? i don't. whatever, i guess mexicans get a kick out of him so i guess i'll allow him to stay on earth. but he just bugs me. i guess it's a mexican thing. now some movie with john cusack is on. i think he's probably one of my favorite actors. but i'm not sure what movie this is. it's a christmas flick. oh wait, it might be that movie "the weather man." maybe not though. i truly have no idea. i loved him in "say anything." god, what a good freakin movie! why can't that be on? dammit. okay this movie is weird. he's in a strip club? i don't effing know. i'm gonna stop now. hope you enjoyed reading my narrations of terrible late night tv. seriously, the tv hierarchy needs to start learning that a lot of people like to watch quality tv at 3 am. this shit isn't cutting it.

bye babies.

ben franklin and wet uggs

today, i wore my black knit uggs in the rain. 4th worst form of footwear to wear in wet weather! (if you were a true follower of my blog, you would remember this connection to one of my first posts. if you're not, fuck you.) haha just kidding bastards! anyway, so i wore my black knit uggs in the pouring rain. water seeps through those things like white on rice. nope, that didn't make sense but i love that expression and i never get a chance to use it. so yeah i think black knit uggs might have to move into the number 3 spot on the worst form of footwear to wear in wet weather because when you wear converse, you're not worried too much about ruining them because you know they'll dry and be okay, and even if they're not, they'll be all tattered and cool-looking and you can be a really cool grungy dude with messy converse and spiky hair. i know that's what i aspire to be. aaanyway. today, we had a seance for ben franklin in english! it turns out the guy was a bit of a douche bag so i didn't really care about what he had to say if he came back from the dead. he would probably tell us that prostitution is awesome, fuck all your slaves! and then we would be like, benny, there are no more slaves. and then he would be like, WHAT?!?! that is simply preposterous. slaves are the shit! and then, of course, we would all listen to him, because he would be back from the dead, and so we would have slaves again. god, that would be bad. don't come back, ben! unless you want to invent something that will clean our common room/bathroom for us. omg, HE should clean it for us! i would love to watch that hot man in his knickers whack out our rug. okay i'm getting off track. but i don't really have a track so it's kind of hard to get off of it. whatever. every time i walk to breslin now i will stare at ben franklin's statue and wish for him to come to life and clean for me.

bye babies.

tiger woods, shutter island, my extended family.

this blog may be a teeny bit organized for once!

1. tiger woods. nice "apology" the other day, asshole. we all know you didn't write that yourself. man up. you cheated on your wife multiple times. with multiple women. I DON'T CARE that you're sorry. your wife cares. say sorry to her. granted, i'm not a golf fan, and i don't worship you. but still. play golf and shut up. k that's all about him. sorry if i offended anyone with that.

2. shutter island. LOVED IT! i'm still a little confused, so clearly i have to see it again! i don't wanna give anything away, but let's just say it truly was a mind fuck. you can quote me on that. leo and mark ruffalo were both excellent in it, in my opinion. and i just think that mark ruffalo is possibly one of the cutest men on this planet, so i may be biased, but whatever. the movie really was good. there hasn't been one of those good, thrilling, mind fuckers in a while, and this was a success. why does "fuckers" have a red line under it? it's a real word! whatever. okay enough about that.

3. my extended family. they all, all 30ish of them, well wait actually there were 5 less because someone forgot to tell someone and my aunt and uncle and their 3 kids didn't know about it so they didn't come, haha. but the rest all came for my birthday. i don't think that first sentence made any sense. whatever. anyway. so they all came over, as they all do for every birthday, and it was fun =) but the real meat of this blog involves the emotionally scarring conversations that went on while they were here. now, these come around often, but this one was one for the books. my grandma (who is in her early 70's, no one actually knows her exact age; she won't tell a soul, she even went as far as to lie about her age on my dad's birth certificate) loves this show called the doctors. now keep in mind my grandma is probably what some perverted guys would call a gilf. grandma i'd like to fuck. hahaha. anyway, so she said she saw on the doctors that masturbation is good for you, every day. i stopped in my tracks. my mouth went to the floor. then my aunt goes on to say, "JESS! I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN YOU MONEY FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY! i could have gotten you a dil-" and it was like a slow motion "NOOOOO" coming out of mouth. i couldn't believe what i was hearing. then i just started cracking up out of embarrassment and pure mortification. she goes on to say, "what?! they have vibrating ones, different-colored ones..." i just buried my face in my hands and held back the tears. and the worst part, all the women in the family are going "OH YEAH!" god, it was nuts. then, later on that night, the same aunt tells us that her husband, (my uncle greg) told her once that when he comes home from work, he expects 2 things: dinner, and a blow job. god help me i almost fell out of my chair. then that same uncle proceeds to tell this joke: "98% of black men like sex in the shower. the other 2% aren't in jail yet." ahhhh the loveliness that is my family. so the next time you wonder where the hell i get my craziness from, just come over for dinner with my family and you'll understand. i hope i disturbed and made everyone uncomfortable!

bye babies.

qwerty

my sister just forced me to watch this movie, "starstruck" on the disney channel. it was essentially a vomit-inducing "movie" about a famous singer who falls in love with an ordinary girl. the girl in it is a frickin bitch and i don't know why he would ever even consider her. i always picture disney channel movies going a totally different way, like at one point when the girl and the guy were fighting and she was yelling at him, i just wanted her to spit in his face and call him a motherfucker but you don't get that classy television on disney. =( anyway it ended up that they were together. HOGWASH. never gonna happen. the girl's sister in it was obsessive and creepy about the famous guy, much like my own sister, so she just loved it. she squealed in delight every time the main guy came on the screen. now i'm watching ace of cakes. i like this show, sometimes. changing channel. i'm looking for a good movie to watch to make up for the massacre that was just thrust upon me. BABY MAMA!!!! i love this movie!! i thought it was in spanish for a second; if it was i would p i s s e d. i hate when i find a good movie and i get so excited and then it's effing spanish! are people in spain gonna watch tv right now? no. maybe they areeee but whateverrr THIS IS AMERICA. no, that was not some political statement about illiegal immigrants. i just want to watch good movie. but i found one! so it's all good. i was so excited today when my english teacher said FUCK YEAH! it was awesome. i was half asleep, so i haven't the foggiest idea of what she was referring to when she said it, but hearing her say that woke me up pretty well. my ear is itchy. MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT I LIKE TO RUN AROUND IN THE SNOW FOR HOURS WITH LIKE A T SHIRT ON AT 3AM?! maybe. but who the hell knows? god, i love baby mama. i missed my favorite part though. =( where amy poehler is like "BITCH YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!" i looove it hahahahahaha. who puts their gum under a coffee table?! CLASSIC. i just became a fan of dr. pepper. well, i've always technically been a fan of it. but now i'm a fan of it on facebook, which we all know means it's happening in the real world now. facebook is insane, isn't it? it's such a big part of people's lives these days! don't think i'm not including myself in that. it's quite sad. seeing that tiny red square at the top left corner of the screen indicating i have a notification has made for some of the most exciting moments i have ever experienced. SOMEONE ANSWERED MY COMMENT. SOMEONE LIKES MY PICTURE. SOMEONE ANSWERED A QUESTION ABOUT ME. or you have the lovely, "SEE WHO YOUR VALENTINE'S ARE!!!!!!!!!" i love all the exclamation points in those. oh speaking of exclamation points, for some weird reason, anyone over the age of 35 who uses facebook has a conniption fit over the use of exclamation points. literally, my mom has commented on my status, have a good day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with THAT many exclamation points. if she actually talked like that, i would have no ear drums and every time i talked to her i would away screaming like a banshee. my grandma does it too. yes, i said grandma. why am i friend with my 68 year old grandmother on facebook? YOU GOT ME. whatever. this is getting long. bye babies.

what...is...curling?

is curling a real sport? and what is that thing that rolls on the ice made out of? is it stone? glass? old car parts that no one cared about, so they made them into a bloated pancake with a handle on the top and decided to make a sport out of it? this is what i get from it: the girl who pushes the bulb like thing is trying to get it to move in the middle of the target? and then the two girls run/skate/dance along side the bulb with broom type instruments that remind me strikingly of swiffer wet jets to make the bulb go slower or faster depending on how the first girl hit it? and then they want the bulb to hit the other bulbs out of the target. the japanese team is so frickin funny. like when they're dancing around the bulb they yell things to each other (all the teams do this, but the japanese are just funnier) and they're like "WAHHHH WAH WAH YAAA YAAYAAA UEAAAAAAA" and then the other team is canadian and they're like "HARDDD HARDERR EH EH EH EH!" haha okay maybe with less "eh"s. sorry for stereotyping, canada. by the by, still haven't read any ben franklin. supposed to have 60 pages of that sucker read for tomorrow's english class. whateva, i do what i want. i like how a lot of the women on the curling team are middle aged. go cougars! i'm going home for the weekend tomorrow and i have yet to pack. buuuut it's 4:45 am so that's not happening now. reading isn't happening now, either. interesting. oh! amanda found a new little theme for my beloved doodlejump. it's halloween themed! it's all dark and spooky and my doodle man is a ghost and the monsters are JACK-O-LANTERNS! tim was like, "oohh this is so challenging!" like he's some kind of olympic doodlejump gold medalist. THINK AGAIN, TIMOTHY. i will win the gold medal in doodlejump. i will, indeed. i'm gonna be the michael phelps of doodlejump. just saw a glass of orange juice on tv. deff my favorite type of juice. cranberry and grape are close seconds. oh and pineapple. crapola, i guess i'm just a big fan of juice. alright i need to get off here now.

PEACE OUT BITCHES,

bye babies.

MEHR SHOULD BE READING OF CAWSE

so i should probably, no definitely, be reading. for english. why the FUCK am i an english major? oh yeah, because i thought i loved english, but now i'm not so sure. well actually, yes, i still love it. but THE PURITANS?! seriously? like, come on. when we were in kindergarten, you know what they told us about the pilgrims? they landed on the plymouth rock or wherever the hell they said, they met the pretty, tan indians with the rainbow feathered headdresses and flowing animal skin clothing and chiseled abs. the pilgrims said, "hi, indians! nice to meet you!" the indians said, "hi pilgrims! welcome to our land! come eat our multi-colored corn and be our friends forever." guess what?! it so was not like that. this is what really happened: pilgrims: "we're here. let us live here and feed us, bitches." indians: "NOOOO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" then they proceeded to mangle each other and kidnap people and it was not all fun and games and let's eat turkey and cranberry shit together. that's what they want us to think! they fool our innocent minds into thinking that people were nice to each other. but now that we're old enough to face this dark, dark world, we must know the truth. our ancestors, those who founded this country, were douchenozzles. sad, sad, sad. now, the one redeeming quality to the bitter sadness that this country was found on, you might think, was that it probably produced some pretty interesting writing, about teepees and savage fights and lots of bloody action. NOPE. it's boring as hell. seriously, all that shit that happened, make it a little interesting for those of us who are forced to read it now. don't just ramble on about how the puritans rule all BLAH BLAH BLAH shut up, loser. okay that was harsh. whatever. sorry, ancestors. okay well i'm gonna go now. when i get bored of ben franklin's irritating ramblings in like 5 minutes, i'll probably go on here and type more of my irritating ramblings. but hey, i'm not trying to get this published, and i'm not forcing self-loathing-because-they-picked-english-to major-in english majors to read it. bye babies.

OKAY THEN

alrighty, this is my first sober blog in like 4 days! amazing, huh?! HA. anyway, i have a very, very large amount of work/studying to do, but instead i am pointlessly writing about random shit in a little box. omg. wait. i can change the font and stuff?!!! RED!!! ARIAL BLUE! LARGEST FONT, PURPLE, VERDANA. okay i'm gonna keep it at normal size font, verdana, in this nice lavender color. wait, i feel like it's too big. k is that better? no. black, normal size font, verdana. kay this'll work. lalalalala i have nothing really important to say right now. maybe i'll talk in the voices that are inside my head. kay voice number 1: "JESSICA LYN ISABELLA DEGONZAGUE.DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK. WRITE YOUR STUPID, EASY, ONE PAGE BIO PAPER ON STUPID INVASIVE SPECIES. WRITE ABOUT PESTICIDE SPRAY, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. NOBODY CARES, ANYWAY CRAZY CROW BIO TEACHER. BUT ACTUALLY I FIND HER QUITE ENTERTAINING. NOW THE VOICE IS JUST YELLING BECAUSE IT'S ALL IN CAPS. YELLING ABOUT NOTHING."

voice number 2: "homework sucks. don't do it. quit school and become a circus freak. do you really want to be a teacher? eh, you can do without it. just live off of your charisma. you'll get a job in a pet store or some bullshit like that, and just play with puppies all day and live in a one-room apartment and have birds for pets and it'll be all colorful. kind of like in along came polly? her apartment, that's what yours will look like."

voice number 3: "you're a fucking idiot. you know you're gonna do your work, eventually. just fucking do it already. shit."

okay enough of that. bye babies. (that was for you, amanda.)

so.

third night in a row that i'm writing a drunken blog. this is so not good. but i'm not gonna say anything too bad because i'm not nearly as drunk as last night. i just wanna say, wtf?! i have rice cakes on my desk. there are people talking outside my room. sometimes, life is just too serious. idt there are any/that many typos in here because i'm being really careful! why did i everrrr ever get a blog!? i gotta go. doors are slamming. bye.

guess what!?!?

sooo i never got to sober blog between now and when i alst blogged. yup, i'm drunk again. i waned to sober blog before, and i even started to, but then i got disracted and deleted it. so yet again, this blog is drunk. i don't know if i have any really profound things to say here, except i think i stole one of jessica's easy macs. i hope she's not mad! i have no food whatsoever, and i relaly son'y wannt be too sick tomorrow, so i took one of her easy macxs, because if i eat one, maybe i wo't be so sick. but i drank a lot. so if i am just as sick, then that;s just bad karma. im prettysure also that's i'm burning my tongue pretty badlt, bur i can't taste it, so whatevr! i hope woehevr is reading this finds it extremely enteratinging. okay so i'm spellin everything wrong, and tbis is osn ot worth it. bye babies

i really shouldn't leave this on here, but i will

alright i totally should not be blogging it up right now but i knew this would happen! im drunk drunk drunk and not sure why i;m doign this but here goes: being drunk is fun. yes, it's wrong, "wrong" when toy're under 21, but it is still a shitload offun. being drunk also makes me come to life conclusions. like this one: all everyone really wants in life is to be happy. and to be honest, what more could we really ask for? we all just want to be happy. every one of us. and for some reason unknown to all, not everyone is happy. everybody has stuff that makes them unhappy. but, all we want is to BE HAPPY. so. my new philosophy? be happy. now, this has always been my philosophy, but i'm reall gonna try and stick to it this time. i went to dutch treats before?!?!?! i don't even fucking remember walking there. i love my special corner. it's the corner of the building and it's so peaceful and nice. usually, people don't bother me there. and if people do bother me there, it's people i dont' mind bothering me there. okay i guess that's all. golly gee bloggin sure is fun. okay byeeee bitchesss

b-b-b-benny and the jets

can we just pause for one hot second and contemplate how completely and utterly addicting doodlejump is? that stupid 99 cent app for my itouch is ridiculous! it's one of those games where you're playing for a while and you say to yourself, "okay, just one more game." and then all of a sudden it's 3 hours later, your eyes are stinging like you just rubbed chili powder all over them, and your arm is numb up to your elbow from holding it for so long. jesus. it's just a stupid little doodle thing that jumps. but it's just so addicting. I NEED TO BEAT TIM'S HIGH SCORE! meehhhhrrrrr. my laundry is gonna be done soon. wow. i just brought down my hamper for no reason. okay that's all for now. if i write again it might be in a drunken stupor. BAHA

it's 3:28 am

woo yay for never sleeping. i don't even know if i'm tired anymore. i'm watching iron chef america. the guy from ace of cakes is on. the secret ingredients are chocolate and chilies. i hope i spelled chilies right. aaanyhoo. i'm bored and i don't wanna go to sleep yet because it feels too weird to sleep in a room alone! my roommate jess w. is away! even though she's always asleep when i go to bed, she's still here in the room with me. now, nothing! meeeehhhhhrrrr. i'm watching a diet pepsi commercial and i'm pretty sure the song in the background is by the black eyed peas. it's like a rap about loving the planet and stuff. i think he just rhymed "pangaea" with "sphere." wasn't the earth called pangaea like a million years ago? whatever. i'm all for preserving the earth that's cool. but pangaea does not rhyme with sphere. but he said it like "spheaaa" so it was a forced rhyme. whatevs you do what you gotta do. i wanna be a fucking chef. they just cook and make cool shit and they're really good at cutting stuff. i want to be able to move a knife that fast! (not on a person, on food. like carrots.) carrots are little bitches to cut. they fly everywhere. but if i were a chef, it would just be like chopchopchopchopchop tada! i made a beautiful stew! anyway enough about stew. we were watching tool academy before. god, that show is just amazing. oh, it's absolutely terrible. but it's amazing. the men are just such...TOOLS. what an appropriate name. like, seriously, this guy is like, "i take home hmmm i don't know, about 14 girls a week. i got a monday girl, a tuesday girl..." and his girlfriend is like "oh my godddddd hun, that is so not cool." baahahaaha those people deserve what they get. and what they get are irritating haircuts and stds. so good for them. maybe i should make paragraphs. but my mind does not work in paragraphs. the thoughts are all jumbled together one after the other. there's no spaces in between. whatever. if i get annoyed with no paragraphs i'll make paragraphs. this really cool commercial for a beer called "blue moon" just came on. it was like a painting being painted and it was really cool. if i could have one talent, it would be to be artistic. seriously, even my stick figures come out like crap. my sister is sooo artistic, she can draw anything. that stupid bitch. hehe just kidding meesh. but seriously i love art and i wish i could make it! i'm gonna make a world with little kids all around it and it's gonna be my masterpiece. MU HA HA. my masterrrrrpieceeeeee. i really need to do my laundry tomorrow. i'm running out of clothes. okay i guess i'm done here.

it's cold

so converse are probably the number 4 worst form of footwear to wear outside in the snow. number 1 being bare feet, number 2 being just socks, and 3 being flip flops. number 4 is converse because they cover your entire foot but they're about as thin as the thinnest fucking paper you'll ever find. but i continue to wear them because i love them and i like to torture myself. anyway, today it was effing freezing obviously, and the wind whipped at my face in such a manner that i could feel the skin on my cheeks rush to the back of my ears. does that make sense? WHATEVER. i can't feel my feet because i wore the dreaded but lovely converse. but it's okay because i like the winter the best. i'm not really sure because i have every reason to hate it. whatever i love it. today is thursday but it's like friday to me because i have off on fridays!! woohoooodeeedooooo. also, i've decided i'm resigning from student government today because i don't care about taking hours out of my week for it anymore and also it's a bunch of bullshit that i don't need in my life! i'm sorry if anyone from sga at hofstra university is reading this, which i truly and fully doubt that you are, but if you are i apologize it's nothing against any of you personally. i'm really gonna try and read and do some work this weekend because i have a five day weekend and i need to not not do it! wahhhhhh (in the voice of snooki) okay i'll probably write again later. bye, bitches.

hello i've never blogged before.

this is an interesting phenomenon. i just write random shit and anyone anywhere can read it? weird. it's weird what this world is coming to. it's really bad also because when i write stuff online i never bother to capitalize any of my sentences or proper names, so i wind up doing that in papers and shit for school. WHAT HAS TECHNOLOGY DONE TO ME?! i love grammar and the internet is making me forget all its wonder. however, i always try and use the correct punctuation because punctuation makes all the difference. seriously. like, i could say seriously! and then it could be seen as excited or even angry. but i said, seriously. so it's like serious. a serious seriously. aww my suitemate jess p is reading from her blog about her beau; it is simply adorable. oookay well i'm gonna shut up now. i hope i don't write stupid shit on here when i'm drunk! baaahahahaha okay MEHR BYE