1. tiger woods. nice "apology" the other day, asshole. we all know you didn't write that yourself. man up. you cheated on your wife multiple times. with multiple women. I DON'T CARE that you're sorry. your wife cares. say sorry to her. granted, i'm not a golf fan, and i don't worship you. but still. play golf and shut up. k that's all about him. sorry if i offended anyone with that.
2. shutter island. LOVED IT! i'm still a little confused, so clearly i have to see it again! i don't wanna give anything away, but let's just say it truly was a mind fuck. you can quote me on that. leo and mark ruffalo were both excellent in it, in my opinion. and i just think that mark ruffalo is possibly one of the cutest men on this planet, so i may be biased, but whatever. the movie really was good. there hasn't been one of those good, thrilling, mind fuckers in a while, and this was a success. why does "fuckers" have a red line under it? it's a real word! whatever. okay enough about that.
3. my extended family. they all, all 30ish of them, well wait actually there were 5 less because someone forgot to tell someone and my aunt and uncle and their 3 kids didn't know about it so they didn't come, haha. but the rest all came for my birthday. i don't think that first sentence made any sense. whatever. anyway. so they all came over, as they all do for every birthday, and it was fun =) but the real meat of this blog involves the emotionally scarring conversations that went on while they were here. now, these come around often, but this one was one for the books. my grandma (who is in her early 70's, no one actually knows her exact age; she won't tell a soul, she even went as far as to lie about her age on my dad's birth certificate) loves this show called the doctors. now keep in mind my grandma is probably what some perverted guys would call a gilf. grandma i'd like to fuck. hahaha. anyway, so she said she saw on the doctors that masturbation is good for you, every day. i stopped in my tracks. my mouth went to the floor. then my aunt goes on to say, "JESS! I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN YOU MONEY FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY! i could have gotten you a dil-" and it was like a slow motion "NOOOOO" coming out of mouth. i couldn't believe what i was hearing. then i just started cracking up out of embarrassment and pure mortification. she goes on to say, "what?! they have vibrating ones, different-colored ones..." i just buried my face in my hands and held back the tears. and the worst part, all the women in the family are going "OH YEAH!" god, it was nuts. then, later on that night, the same aunt tells us that her husband, (my uncle greg) told her once that when he comes home from work, he expects 2 things: dinner, and a blow job. god help me i almost fell out of my chair. then that same uncle proceeds to tell this joke: "98% of black men like sex in the shower. the other 2% aren't in jail yet." ahhhh the loveliness that is my family. so the next time you wonder where the hell i get my craziness from, just come over for dinner with my family and you'll understand. i hope i disturbed and made everyone uncomfortable!
bye babies.
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