sylvester stallone, you softie!

i haven't blogged in so long! to whoever may be reading this, that is no one, i apologize if there are a few typos because i have a bandaid on my left thumb which therefore makes it a little tough to type. whateva. i'm watching this strange, sappy movie called "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot" yes, i swear that is the actual name of it. sylvester stallone stars as tough guy cop but then his mom (played by estelle getty. for those of you who aren't on the up and up of your actresses over 75, she's the mom from the golden girls! i love that rambunctious old tramp.) anyway, his mother, who is the typical get-in-the-way shows baby pictures to your friends, annoys and nit picks your every move old mom, and she annoys the crap out of him. but she winds up helping him in his cop job by buying him a new gun or something and witnessing a murder and helping some guy not commit suicide. you can see that all she really wants is the best for "joey" (stallone) but he doesn't appreciate her cute fiestyness. i'm pretty sure this movie will end happily with lots of hugs and i love yous and tears. or maybe there will be an uncertain turn of events in which mommy is actually a psychopath and is out to kill her son in order to take his fortune. just kidding, he doesn't have a fortune. oh, i just heard her say her name is Tootie. well, isn't that just the topping on the old lady cake. i had no idea sylvester would be in such a sappy movie. i guess it's along the same lines of arnold schwarzenegger being in that kindergarten cop movie. wait, was that even him? whaever he was definitely in one of those cutesy movies. i guess all those tough guys have their sappy sides. OH! now sylvester is carrying his mom on his back through a building that's falling apart. hahahaha WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?! i wonder why this phenomenal piece of film didn't win an oscar. omg. estelle is about to shoot. oh. oh. sylvester just said, "stop! or my mom will shoot!" aahhh there's the title, folks! wow. incredible. "me and my mother cracked this case wide open." wow, sylvester, keep those lines coming. is this supposed to numb my brain into nothing? i think so. ope, sylvester's MOM sent his girl roses, and she found out, and his girl PUNCHED him. ooooooooooooo. poor sylvie. (that's my nickname for him now.) ugh ok now he's yelling at his mom, making rules for her, blah blah blah. and she'll probably get sad eventually and he'll apologize and learn to appreciate her. the one thing that amazes me most about this movie is that sylvester is not slurring his words and is speaking completely clearly in full sentences with a wide range of vocabulary. for some reason, whenever i think of sylvie i think of just a mumbling, sweaty guy who can't form sentences. alright this movie is so predictable i have to change it. oh my god. the remote isn't working. if i have to watch one more second of this movie i might fall over and crack my laptop screen again. oh ok i got it to work. now dinner: impossible is on. but i'm gonna end this bloggy blog-o now. i have work at the wonderful uncle giuseppe's at 10! woohoooo i can't wait to give people chocolate covered shit and overpriced gelato. bye babies!

kristen stewart!

oh, krsiten stewart. what a character yo are. you have so many facial expressions!!!!
just kidding. YOU DON'T panic room is on right now. i forgot you played the poor diabetic daughter in this movie you're feeling "hungry and dizzy" and you need mommy to get you a candy bar so the mean men won't hurt you. or something. wlel let me tell you somthing. you survive. yep. SHOCKER. and so does your your momma jodie foster. your one expression actoing saves you in this flick. in every flicj. i guess that face just saves you from everything. mmhm. that face of yours. i cant be described. only as ,"hey. im kristen stewart. im cool, and i know it. and even if im not cool, i think i am, so therefore, i am cool. and i don't care. serisously." yeah. i hink if you threw a 90 pound bull dog at her expressionless face, she wouldnt even wink. she;'d just gve that same look. yeah, a living creatire was just chucked at my face, bu i don;t care. yeah. i do't. go ahead, throw a porcupine at me. see how i'll react. bet ya 10 bucks i won't react at all!!! and guess what? she's right. okay. that might hace been a little harsh. maybe im a little jealous of her millions. oh well. SAY IT VAMPIRE. VAMPIREEEEEEE. krsien stweart, this log is dedicated to you. maybe after reading it your expression will change. though i highly doubt it. goodnight, freak.
bye babies!

rice pudding and p. diddy

so my sister and i just had a very interesting conversation. we had ke$ha's tiK toK in our heads. might i add, ke$ha, i love that you have a $ as the "s" in your name. it helps to remind us all how poor we are in comparison to you, who got rich off of a song about being a slut. <3 anyway, we were singing the line , "wake up in the morning feeling like p. diddy" and i said to michelle, jokingly, "this morning i didn't feel like p.diddy when i woke up, is that bad?" to which she responded, in a genuinely concerned tone, "YEAH!" then we died down on that topic for a while while i contemplated if my life will work out okay if i don't wake up every morning feeling like p. diddy. later on, the catchy song sprang up into our heads yet again, so i said, "wait, what does it even mean to wake up feelin' like p. diddy?" to which michelle responded, again, with complete seriousness, "DUH. you feel like a fuckin' a star MAJOR." i know, it makes no sense to me either. but it fits with the song, doesn't it? then, our conversation moved on to rice pudding and how much it disgusts us. it was on food network. surprisingly enough we didn't come up with this topic on our own. we just don't understand how pudding with tiny, semi-crunchy lumps is appealing. michelle pondered aloud who would ever think of making it. we think it was accident. some innocent chef was making vanilla pudding, and then somehow, a huge vat of white rice was dumped in. probably by the evil troll who lived in the microwave. the chef saw that there were white lumps floating in his pudding, and he saw his evil troll holding the empty bowl of rice and staring menacingly at him, so he was too scared to fix it. he served it to his customer, and the customer was like, "is there RICE in here?" and the chef just ran away full of fear and shame. then, the evil troll hypnotized people to actually enjoy this weird combination, and that's how rice pudding was born. okay so i just added in our troll theory now without michelle's knowledge but that's too damn bad. only an evil troll would think of mixing rice with pudding. ONLY AN EVIL TROLL. that's all for now.
bye babies

i haven't blogged in so long i forgot my password!

i hate forgetting my password to stuff. and i always forget it too, because i make my password different for everything. why?! i don't effing know, people! so, what has been going on in my life for the past few days? hmm that would be nothing. oh! when i went home last weekend i bought coloring books and crayons!! i loooooovveee coloring so much. it's relaxing and SO COLORFUL. and when you're done you have a beautiful picture that you colored in all on your own. it's art, dammit, don't argue with me. oh and also i got one of those formspring things. they are quite fascinating to me, really. it's just another way for people to express their feelings, except it's anonymous which can be good and bad i guess. i look on these girls' ones from my school and a lot of them are like, "y u such a slut you sleep wit s0 many guyz gurl getta lyfe" jesus christ. shut up, people! i hate when people type like that too. what is THE POINT of replacing a y for an i? "lyke"? really?? it's not quicker to type! it's just stupid! jeez! and then, you have the defenders of the girls who get shit on. "ur so beaufiulllll girl don listen to da haterz da haterz only make u more famoussssss!!!! gotta love all da attenionzzz!" my lord. anyway, i like how i'm complaining about it yet i caved and made my own anyway. but i haven't made a bad name for myself, i don't think, so i haven't gotten any "haterz" yet. i don't like confrontation so i probably won't get any and if i do i probably just won't answer, haha. i love the dinosaur from toy story. god, what was his name? oh, REX! "I DON'T LIKE CONFRONTATION!" love him. see, it's the contrast of him being a big, scary dinosaur and his meek and peacemaking demeanor that makes it funny. i love you, disney/pixar collaborations! you wanna know the weird thing about formspring too? i actually want people to ask me questions. maybe that's not weird considering i made it for that purpose. interesting. i see it more as a social experiment. when it's anonymous, people will really say ANYTHING. whereas, if you had to put who was asking the question, things would be totally different. like, the people who "hate" on people probably wouldn't feel the need to "hate" on them as much, because they're afraid of getting their white asses kicked. why did i have to say "white asses" do you ask? because i'm black and that's how i speak. get used to it, fool. abrupt ending.
bye babies.

i guess i'm a due for a new blog

haven't written anything in a few days. there's only 51 minutes left of battery on my computer so i guess i should make this kind of succinct? whatever. so, steve's friends dobes and john are here to visit for the week. two very enjoyable young gentlemen. a funny quip about them both: they were talking about the maury polvich show, and they both referred to him as "murry" and i just thought it was hilarious because on the show (which i love) when the really gangsta, black, preggo, i-don't-know-who-the-father-is of my baby chicks go on there, they say "whatchu talkin bout murry! i love you murry!" and since dobes and john are pretty much 2 of the whitest people i have had the pleasure of coming in contact with, that murry coming out of their quaint new hampshire mouths is just pure hilarity. i still have no idea why they both say maury like that. but seriously, shows like maury and jerry springer are one of my many guilty pleasures. i just get such joy out of watching them. i'm not sure if it's because it makes me good about myself because i don't have any intention of falling in love with my uncle, or if it's just because it's great entertainment. either way, it's outstanding. some of my favorite maury episodes include the ones where they people with weird phobias, the ones entitled "can you tell if this is a boy or a girl" and "MY 13-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER SMOKES CRACK, HAS HAD SEX WITH OVER 30 MEN, AND WANTS A BABY OF HER OWN SO SHE CAN DRESS IT IN ED HARDY. SEND HER TO BOOT CAMP...NOW!" the weird phobias ones are nuts. i saw one where the girl was deathly afraid of cotton balls. so what does the maury show do? play streaming videos of blooming cotton fields around the whole stage, and then have a large man completely covered in a cotton ball costume chase after the screaming girl. they also had someone who was very scared of mustard. so what does this brilliant show do yet again? squirt mustard all over her face. these people must face their phobias head on, you know. and then the "can you tell if this is a boy or a girl" ones. they have a bunch of people dressed in gangsta clothing and hats and stuff line up on stage, and the audience, by the amount of hooting and hollering, decide which one is a boy or girl. then they reveal the truth. all the people on stage look like boys but actually about half are girls, because they are tomboys. or lesbians. then they give the girls makeovers and they look all pretty, but half of them walk around the stage with hunchback, grabbing their crotches because they're so out of their element. THEN, the most amazing episodes are the boot camp ones. first, their crying mothers/aunts/grandmothers, basically the poor souls who have deal with these skanks, tell maury about their child and how she has sex with multiple men so she can have a baby, does drugs, works the streets, blah blah blah. then the girls come out. the audience boos each one, and they all have the same response, no matter if they're black, white, hispanic, indian, croatian, english, french, pakistani, WHATEVER. they say: 'WHATEVA WHATEVA YA'LL DON' KNOW ME. YA'LL DON' KNOW ME!" and the arms are flailing at the audience and the lips make the angry pout thing that says, "yeah, i'm 13. yeah, i want to be a single mother and take of my baby with money from my prostitution. yeah i'll probably get herpes. i'm better than all ya'llz." then they all have their little shpeals about how they're ready to have a baby; babies are no big deal, they just want to put them in cute clothes. then, the big, tough, black, boot camp guy comes out and yells at them. and they give him that special pout and eye roll. and then, they tour a jail and are given a real baby to take care of. jesus, i would never let those girls touch my baby! anyway, so they find out that maybe 13 is NOT old enough to have a child, and maybe they should lay low on the crack for a while. then they cry, and boot camp boy hugs them, and then go home and tell their momma how much they love her. the end is expected, but the ride there is what's worth it. so funny. okay i don't even know if any of that was coherent. i'm slightly more sleep deprived than usual. whatever. bye babies.

drunken blog number 2 million!

so im pretty drunk right now, but i would liek to write some stuff. idk what to write though. there's a knock at the foorz! I'TS STEVEN MORIN! idk what he is aying. i think his gf bri is upset. oh, mike is oint to sleep. and so lis luaren! good night mike and lauren! now, who is left in the common room? amanda, jessica, maanda, john hyde, and lauren. oh and jess p is here! let's talk about big water botldtle.s i have this water bottle, and it has "cybex" on it. it's a big water bottle. it has water in it, a lot of water. mmmm water is my favorite drink. so satisfyng, so thirst quenching! i should NOT be writing this right now. why am i writing this? i will just keep writing and writing and writing. lalalalalalal. i love to write! these peple that are here are from new hamspshire. NEW HAMPDHIRE??!!?! what is in new hampshire?!! COWS AND GRASS COWS AND GRASS!!!!!!!!!! grass, grass, cows, cows. they cow tip for fun. sad. okay this is enough foe now i should stop being antisocial. dear sober jess, im sorry for tying this right now, i know you wil be sooooo embarrassed tomorrow. bye babies!

birds!

i would like to dedicate this bloggy blog to large birds. lately, i've just been finding them extremely comical. i'm talking about obnoxious birds like ostriches and swans, not cute little uninteresting blue jays and whatnot. it all started when my lovely friend deb told me that at fairfield university, students get CHASED BY TURKEYS at random points during the day. i thought this was absolutely hysterical. turkeys seem like tiny little creatures but those badasses are huge! imagine being chased by one on your way to class?!! HAHAHAHAHA. la dee da just going to your black women in history class just humming a little tune in your head and all of a sudden a large turkey!!!! just comes rapidly waddling toward you gobbling like a crack addict going through withdrawal. it's getting closer and closer and you don't know what to do. should you run? should you take a picture because you're not sure when this moment will ever be repeated again in your life? should you gobble back and give it a taste of its own medicine? should you go grab some mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce and chuck them at it so you feel like you're at home enjoying a nice thanksgiving day dinner with your family? personally, i would take its turkey cheeks into my hands and whisper sweet nothings into its ear and tell it it's a special turkey and will always be loved. anyway, another reason i've been finding large birds funny is because deb (yes, deb again with the gigantic bird stories. thanks girl) told me that when she was a young'en, she was at a nice family picnic at a park with a little pond where she loved to feed the ducks. so as she was going to feed the little ducklings some bread, all of a sudden, A MASSIVE SWAN comes charging at her, with a fierceness in her eyes that says "DON"T TOUCH MAH BABAEH YOU BITCH!" and all little debra could say was "noo mama swan! no, please! i just wanted to give the babies some bread!" but mama swan wasn't having any of that. just as she was about to sweep her mama wing across tiny debra's knee caps and knock her down on her toosh, deb's mama senses her child is in danger. she sniffed the air and knew the danger was coming from the southeast side of the park, just where her baby was being about to attacked by the giant swan! so, she instinctively grabbed her "super mom" cape from the picnic blanket (she keeps it with her at all times for emergencies such as these) and hopped over the 8 foot fence that separated her from her daughter playing by the pond with the beast swan. she ran to the swan and swatted her away with her magical super mom hands and scooped up her child at the same time, saving her from the wrath of the crazy swan mama. debra cried into her mother's arms for hours, recollecting the horrible moment when she was almost taken away to the evil swan village down the road and roasted on a spit. finally, her mother consoled her haunted soul. to this day, she cannot go near swans. note: this story was a bit exaggerated. anyway, how can you not think big, cumbersome birds are not funny? just picture Big Bird cawing like at a mofo a large group of tourists in a busy city. SO FUNNY. ostrich eggs are huge, too. that just makes it even better. i'm going to try and find more large bird anecdotes and add them to my blogs, because i love them with all my heart.
bye babies.