rice pudding and p. diddy

so my sister and i just had a very interesting conversation. we had ke$ha's tiK toK in our heads. might i add, ke$ha, i love that you have a $ as the "s" in your name. it helps to remind us all how poor we are in comparison to you, who got rich off of a song about being a slut. <3 anyway, we were singing the line , "wake up in the morning feeling like p. diddy" and i said to michelle, jokingly, "this morning i didn't feel like p.diddy when i woke up, is that bad?" to which she responded, in a genuinely concerned tone, "YEAH!" then we died down on that topic for a while while i contemplated if my life will work out okay if i don't wake up every morning feeling like p. diddy. later on, the catchy song sprang up into our heads yet again, so i said, "wait, what does it even mean to wake up feelin' like p. diddy?" to which michelle responded, again, with complete seriousness, "DUH. you feel like a fuckin' a star MAJOR." i know, it makes no sense to me either. but it fits with the song, doesn't it? then, our conversation moved on to rice pudding and how much it disgusts us. it was on food network. surprisingly enough we didn't come up with this topic on our own. we just don't understand how pudding with tiny, semi-crunchy lumps is appealing. michelle pondered aloud who would ever think of making it. we think it was accident. some innocent chef was making vanilla pudding, and then somehow, a huge vat of white rice was dumped in. probably by the evil troll who lived in the microwave. the chef saw that there were white lumps floating in his pudding, and he saw his evil troll holding the empty bowl of rice and staring menacingly at him, so he was too scared to fix it. he served it to his customer, and the customer was like, "is there RICE in here?" and the chef just ran away full of fear and shame. then, the evil troll hypnotized people to actually enjoy this weird combination, and that's how rice pudding was born. okay so i just added in our troll theory now without michelle's knowledge but that's too damn bad. only an evil troll would think of mixing rice with pudding. ONLY AN EVIL TROLL. that's all for now.
bye babies

i haven't blogged in so long i forgot my password!

i hate forgetting my password to stuff. and i always forget it too, because i make my password different for everything. why?! i don't effing know, people! so, what has been going on in my life for the past few days? hmm that would be nothing. oh! when i went home last weekend i bought coloring books and crayons!! i loooooovveee coloring so much. it's relaxing and SO COLORFUL. and when you're done you have a beautiful picture that you colored in all on your own. it's art, dammit, don't argue with me. oh and also i got one of those formspring things. they are quite fascinating to me, really. it's just another way for people to express their feelings, except it's anonymous which can be good and bad i guess. i look on these girls' ones from my school and a lot of them are like, "y u such a slut you sleep wit s0 many guyz gurl getta lyfe" jesus christ. shut up, people! i hate when people type like that too. what is THE POINT of replacing a y for an i? "lyke"? really?? it's not quicker to type! it's just stupid! jeez! and then, you have the defenders of the girls who get shit on. "ur so beaufiulllll girl don listen to da haterz da haterz only make u more famoussssss!!!! gotta love all da attenionzzz!" my lord. anyway, i like how i'm complaining about it yet i caved and made my own anyway. but i haven't made a bad name for myself, i don't think, so i haven't gotten any "haterz" yet. i don't like confrontation so i probably won't get any and if i do i probably just won't answer, haha. i love the dinosaur from toy story. god, what was his name? oh, REX! "I DON'T LIKE CONFRONTATION!" love him. see, it's the contrast of him being a big, scary dinosaur and his meek and peacemaking demeanor that makes it funny. i love you, disney/pixar collaborations! you wanna know the weird thing about formspring too? i actually want people to ask me questions. maybe that's not weird considering i made it for that purpose. interesting. i see it more as a social experiment. when it's anonymous, people will really say ANYTHING. whereas, if you had to put who was asking the question, things would be totally different. like, the people who "hate" on people probably wouldn't feel the need to "hate" on them as much, because they're afraid of getting their white asses kicked. why did i have to say "white asses" do you ask? because i'm black and that's how i speak. get used to it, fool. abrupt ending.
bye babies.

i guess i'm a due for a new blog

haven't written anything in a few days. there's only 51 minutes left of battery on my computer so i guess i should make this kind of succinct? whatever. so, steve's friends dobes and john are here to visit for the week. two very enjoyable young gentlemen. a funny quip about them both: they were talking about the maury polvich show, and they both referred to him as "murry" and i just thought it was hilarious because on the show (which i love) when the really gangsta, black, preggo, i-don't-know-who-the-father-is of my baby chicks go on there, they say "whatchu talkin bout murry! i love you murry!" and since dobes and john are pretty much 2 of the whitest people i have had the pleasure of coming in contact with, that murry coming out of their quaint new hampshire mouths is just pure hilarity. i still have no idea why they both say maury like that. but seriously, shows like maury and jerry springer are one of my many guilty pleasures. i just get such joy out of watching them. i'm not sure if it's because it makes me good about myself because i don't have any intention of falling in love with my uncle, or if it's just because it's great entertainment. either way, it's outstanding. some of my favorite maury episodes include the ones where they people with weird phobias, the ones entitled "can you tell if this is a boy or a girl" and "MY 13-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER SMOKES CRACK, HAS HAD SEX WITH OVER 30 MEN, AND WANTS A BABY OF HER OWN SO SHE CAN DRESS IT IN ED HARDY. SEND HER TO BOOT CAMP...NOW!" the weird phobias ones are nuts. i saw one where the girl was deathly afraid of cotton balls. so what does the maury show do? play streaming videos of blooming cotton fields around the whole stage, and then have a large man completely covered in a cotton ball costume chase after the screaming girl. they also had someone who was very scared of mustard. so what does this brilliant show do yet again? squirt mustard all over her face. these people must face their phobias head on, you know. and then the "can you tell if this is a boy or a girl" ones. they have a bunch of people dressed in gangsta clothing and hats and stuff line up on stage, and the audience, by the amount of hooting and hollering, decide which one is a boy or girl. then they reveal the truth. all the people on stage look like boys but actually about half are girls, because they are tomboys. or lesbians. then they give the girls makeovers and they look all pretty, but half of them walk around the stage with hunchback, grabbing their crotches because they're so out of their element. THEN, the most amazing episodes are the boot camp ones. first, their crying mothers/aunts/grandmothers, basically the poor souls who have deal with these skanks, tell maury about their child and how she has sex with multiple men so she can have a baby, does drugs, works the streets, blah blah blah. then the girls come out. the audience boos each one, and they all have the same response, no matter if they're black, white, hispanic, indian, croatian, english, french, pakistani, WHATEVER. they say: 'WHATEVA WHATEVA YA'LL DON' KNOW ME. YA'LL DON' KNOW ME!" and the arms are flailing at the audience and the lips make the angry pout thing that says, "yeah, i'm 13. yeah, i want to be a single mother and take of my baby with money from my prostitution. yeah i'll probably get herpes. i'm better than all ya'llz." then they all have their little shpeals about how they're ready to have a baby; babies are no big deal, they just want to put them in cute clothes. then, the big, tough, black, boot camp guy comes out and yells at them. and they give him that special pout and eye roll. and then, they tour a jail and are given a real baby to take care of. jesus, i would never let those girls touch my baby! anyway, so they find out that maybe 13 is NOT old enough to have a child, and maybe they should lay low on the crack for a while. then they cry, and boot camp boy hugs them, and then go home and tell their momma how much they love her. the end is expected, but the ride there is what's worth it. so funny. okay i don't even know if any of that was coherent. i'm slightly more sleep deprived than usual. whatever. bye babies.

drunken blog number 2 million!

so im pretty drunk right now, but i would liek to write some stuff. idk what to write though. there's a knock at the foorz! I'TS STEVEN MORIN! idk what he is aying. i think his gf bri is upset. oh, mike is oint to sleep. and so lis luaren! good night mike and lauren! now, who is left in the common room? amanda, jessica, maanda, john hyde, and lauren. oh and jess p is here! let's talk about big water botldtle.s i have this water bottle, and it has "cybex" on it. it's a big water bottle. it has water in it, a lot of water. mmmm water is my favorite drink. so satisfyng, so thirst quenching! i should NOT be writing this right now. why am i writing this? i will just keep writing and writing and writing. lalalalalalal. i love to write! these peple that are here are from new hamspshire. NEW HAMPDHIRE??!!?! what is in new hampshire?!! COWS AND GRASS COWS AND GRASS!!!!!!!!!! grass, grass, cows, cows. they cow tip for fun. sad. okay this is enough foe now i should stop being antisocial. dear sober jess, im sorry for tying this right now, i know you wil be sooooo embarrassed tomorrow. bye babies!

birds!

i would like to dedicate this bloggy blog to large birds. lately, i've just been finding them extremely comical. i'm talking about obnoxious birds like ostriches and swans, not cute little uninteresting blue jays and whatnot. it all started when my lovely friend deb told me that at fairfield university, students get CHASED BY TURKEYS at random points during the day. i thought this was absolutely hysterical. turkeys seem like tiny little creatures but those badasses are huge! imagine being chased by one on your way to class?!! HAHAHAHAHA. la dee da just going to your black women in history class just humming a little tune in your head and all of a sudden a large turkey!!!! just comes rapidly waddling toward you gobbling like a crack addict going through withdrawal. it's getting closer and closer and you don't know what to do. should you run? should you take a picture because you're not sure when this moment will ever be repeated again in your life? should you gobble back and give it a taste of its own medicine? should you go grab some mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce and chuck them at it so you feel like you're at home enjoying a nice thanksgiving day dinner with your family? personally, i would take its turkey cheeks into my hands and whisper sweet nothings into its ear and tell it it's a special turkey and will always be loved. anyway, another reason i've been finding large birds funny is because deb (yes, deb again with the gigantic bird stories. thanks girl) told me that when she was a young'en, she was at a nice family picnic at a park with a little pond where she loved to feed the ducks. so as she was going to feed the little ducklings some bread, all of a sudden, A MASSIVE SWAN comes charging at her, with a fierceness in her eyes that says "DON"T TOUCH MAH BABAEH YOU BITCH!" and all little debra could say was "noo mama swan! no, please! i just wanted to give the babies some bread!" but mama swan wasn't having any of that. just as she was about to sweep her mama wing across tiny debra's knee caps and knock her down on her toosh, deb's mama senses her child is in danger. she sniffed the air and knew the danger was coming from the southeast side of the park, just where her baby was being about to attacked by the giant swan! so, she instinctively grabbed her "super mom" cape from the picnic blanket (she keeps it with her at all times for emergencies such as these) and hopped over the 8 foot fence that separated her from her daughter playing by the pond with the beast swan. she ran to the swan and swatted her away with her magical super mom hands and scooped up her child at the same time, saving her from the wrath of the crazy swan mama. debra cried into her mother's arms for hours, recollecting the horrible moment when she was almost taken away to the evil swan village down the road and roasted on a spit. finally, her mother consoled her haunted soul. to this day, she cannot go near swans. note: this story was a bit exaggerated. anyway, how can you not think big, cumbersome birds are not funny? just picture Big Bird cawing like at a mofo a large group of tourists in a busy city. SO FUNNY. ostrich eggs are huge, too. that just makes it even better. i'm going to try and find more large bird anecdotes and add them to my blogs, because i love them with all my heart.
bye babies.

don't be a little bitch with your chit chat

so, this weekend my lovely sister michelle came to visit! we saw john mayer who was amazing, as expected. his songs are just little hearts on top of my heart. haha. but seriously, they are. anyway, so that was friday night. saturday we went to a party! finally! i seriously SERIOUSLY doubt that my parents will ever read this, so i'll just say at the party we did NOT have beer and we when we got back we did NOT have smirnoff and we did NOT get somewhat intoxicated. anyway. so i'll get to the meat of the story: mish flushed her phone down the effing industrial toilet. yep! her whole phone! seriously, if you flushed hard enough those things could probably flush a small puppy. i know that's terrible. just imagine the little puppy eyes...but i'm thinking the puppy wouldn't die. he would take a leisurely ride into sewers of hempstead, land softly on his fuzzy paws and make friends with the rats and beetles. they would start an adorable creepy animal family. their activities would include: tennis with rackets made of sticks glued together with mold and balls made of old hair and mud. also family game night would be who could last the longest without contracting hepatitis. anyway, enough about cute sewer animal families. so mish's phone is bye-bye, probably floating somewhere near indonesia at this very moment. she was scared as crap to tell my parents, and all they did was laugh at her and tell her how stupid that was. needless to say she was relieved. but we had fun, despite that small glitch. so right now we're watching this show called my life as liz. it's this show about this girl liz who documents her sad life as a teenager in high school being "different" than everyone else. it's supposed to be seen as like a reality show but they're actually acting. they're not very good at it either. she's supposed to be super edgy because she uses words like "bad assery" and wears cool t-shirts and bright red lipstick and doesn't believe in going to prom. it's kind of like juno except i liked juno. this is like take juno, leave out the pregnancy, add some bad actors, and take out the funny parts. and make the main girl super annoying. at the beginning of each show she writes a little thing like, "the people in this show are all real, at least according to me, this is my life." blah blah blah. then before she signs off she goes, "love and rockets, liz." she has to add the "and rockets" because she is EDGY and too different to be cool. she personally annoys me. however, the show is on after the buried life and weirdly enough, no matter how much we say we hate it, we wind up somehow being drawn to it and watching it. alright i guess that's all for now.
love and rockets,
go fuck yourself.
no i'm just kidding that was harsh. here's a heart to soothe that snappy remark: <3
bye babies.